Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Things I learned from dystopian movies

Things I learned from dystopian movies. For more on dystopian movies, see or

In the future:

  • ...we will all be wearing one of the following fashion choices: 1) leather & strapped-on Uzis, 2) pristine white pajamas, 3) severe 40s/50s suits, or 4) unisex dirty overalls.
  • will have many more economic opportunities to legally murder people, either by becoming a government assassin or a professional athlete. There will be a lot of money in these new bloodsport game shows. Even American Idol will not be able to resist the ratings.
  • ...familial ties will be weakened or outlawed altogether, so you will have more time to concentrate on the demands of your benevolent Masters. For those of you who dread Thanksgiving with your folks, this is a plus.
  • is going to suck. It will be 1) pills, 2) canned, or 3) Grandma.
  • take your mind off the food, you will get access to a lot of bitchin’ pharmaceutical drugs.
  • cable will be a complete failure—televisions will only have flickering images & plenty of analog “snow.”
  • ...user-friendly computer operating systems will be wiped out by a global nuclear meltdown & you will have to relearn DOS.
  • ...there will be one goth/punk/industrial club playing terrible, incongruous techno music. It will be the only safe place to discuss your secret plans to overthrow the government/corporation/space-alien overlords with your cohorts. You will not have to yell over the music.
  • will be forbidden. Which will make it sooooo much hotter.
  • will be able to have sex with robots & not have to worry about VD or where to go for brunch. However, you will have to worry about your genitals being accidentally/deliberately mutilated.
  • with other humans will either be 1) prohibited or 2) encouraged as long as no lasting attachments are formed. See “love.”
  • ...if you are a man, you will most likely be inspired to “see the light” (i.e. the corruption of the government/corporation/space-alien overlords) through the influence of a beautiful young woman. If you allow yourself to be tempted by her alluring glances & stash of banned books, be prepared to 1) be tortured & killed by goons, 2) become a brainwashed zombie, or 3) the leader of a new utopia. There are no alternatives.
  • ...if you are a woman, be prepared to be 1) a butch (but sexy) helpmate to the male leader of the resistance, or 2) a femme fatale who will rat him out to “The Order.” There are no alternatives.
  • ...if you are a dog...good luck, buddy. Hope you have telepathy or are really, really cute.