You had a good thing going with those PSAs in the 80s: don’t lie, be good to the earth, help the old neighbor lady with her groceries, etc. You were the eccentric uncle of Christianity, the one with a semi-scandalous past who wore wacky underpants. You even had a shot at the Presidency.
So why you gotta play with my emotions? What is up with the millions of dollars you are squandering on denying gay people their right to marry instead of giving it to, I don’t know, crippled orphans or exploited puppies?
Not to play armchair psychologist, but I think I know what’s going on. Like a junkie who’s kicked the habit, you revel in pointing the finger and condemning the ones with fresh tracks. Those are the filthy ones, you claim, my hands are clean.
I think you know what I’m driving at.
I’m talking about your plural-wives fetish. Don’t tell me that’s all in the past. The Fundamentalist Mormon parade of fresh-faced, frozen-smiled "sister-wives" in prairie dresses who marched into the television studios embarrassed the hell out of you, didn’t they? The charges of (male) child abandonment, domestic abuse, and rape stung too, right?
But instead of reaching out to Fundamentalist Mormon abuse survivors (a worthy cause for LDS), mainstream Mormons are playing slight of hand, revealing the card of gay marriage in their palm, the card of polygamy safely tucked in their tuxedo pocket. Pay no attention to my wives behind the curtain! With a flourish, you bow to the audience, certain you have impressed the upper-crusty WASPs and their faithful constituents.
Newsflash: You will never be a part of their supper club. You will remain a black sheep, a pariah, left fighting for door-to-door turf with the Jehovah Witnesses. Even to working class Christians you’re a punchline ("I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"). Stop layering on the brown lipstick for the popular kids and the bullies; it only makes them loathe you more.
In conclusion: get your own business in order (like your legacy of family abuse and racism) and stay out of everyone else's. You’re not fooling anyone with this trick. Gay marriage is inevitable in our lifetime, and there is nothing you can do to hold back the tide. The only thing you can control is not making a complete ass of yourself any longer.
After all, who’s going to be your multiple-wedding planner? ...That’s right, sweetie.
With universal love,